You Fight Like a Cow
by lakariana
Summary: Emotions run high after Hook attempts to teach Henry the art of insult sword fighting. This is a one shot set after season 5. Warning: Some insults but no proper swearing.


**Author's Note:** You must all thank **Drowned-dreamer** for this one. It is inspired by and dedicated to her. She sent me a lovely message on Writer Appreciation Day (which I didn't even know existed) with this prompt and graciously wrote me a one shot in The Ghost and Emma Swan universe which I adore. Go check out her stuff. This has sadly taken me a long time to write in return and I'm worried I didn't fulfill her brief as I think she was after funny and it has morphed into angst with a dollop of Captain Cobra feels.

I hope you enjoy :)

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own Once Upon a Time or its characters. I also don't own some of the insults the boys use, I hope you recognise the sources. Full disclaimer at the bottom. I have written this for entertainment only.

…

"You dare to challenge me?"

Henry lifted his blunt practice sword and jabbed it at the small tree in the middle of his Mom's new front yard.

"You fool! You are nothing but a… a…"

"Soft green twig," Hook's voice called over to him.

"What?" Henry asked in surprise, his sword point dropping to the ground as he looked up at the pirate captain who strolled out of their house to join him.

"A growing branch is green no?" Hook explained. "Adding that in would infer its inexperience and inadequacies, the soft part is well… fairly obvious."

"It's a tree," Henry stated flatly frowning between the sapling in question and the pirate. Hook chuckled, wondering if Emma's son had forgotten that he had started the argument with the vegetation on his own.

"It shouldn't be difficult to hurt its feelings then," he replied. "Sorry to intrude Henry it's just I heard you struggle and thought I would lend assistance. Insulting your combatant effectively is an important skill. After all these years I may be considered something of an expert." The false modesty in his tone rang louder than a bell and wasn't helped by the teasing arrogant smirk on his face.

"Alright," Henry said, picking up the other practice sword from the set and handing it to Hook. "Show me what you've got then."

"Ho! That sounds like a challenge," Hook laughed. Henry shrugged nonchalantly trying to put on the cavalier attitude he'd seen dualists use in the movies.

Hook tested the weight of the practice sword looking from it to Henry with surprise. The young author opened his mouth to ask what the problem was but Hook suddenly swiped the blade through the air so fast that Henry felt a breeze on his neck that stuck the words in his throat. As adrenalin flowed down to his chest it warmed into an excited thrill, maybe Hook would show him more than how to creatively mock people?

Hook gave Henry a quick salute the blade flashing in the light and Henry hurried to copy him settling into the stance his grandpa had taught him. Hook's expression flickered for a second before he stepped forward and gently readjusted Henry's arms and legs to the correct positions and then returned to standing in front of him.

"Right, you should start with something complimentary to yourself while simultaneously intimidating your opponent," Hook said and then paused expectantly. Henry shrugged. "Come on lad, give it a go. Aren't writers supposed to have imagination? Make something up," the pirate prompted.

"I dunno," Henry huffed. "Er, every enemy I've met I've annihilated?"

"Nice, good use of pompously long words" Hook nodded. "Then again, with your breath I'm sure they all suffocated." Henry's initial smile faded as Hook moved, using his greater height to swing down at the young boy causing him to stumble backwards.

"Insults and chat generally has many benefits," Hook remarked as he stepped around Henry in a circle. Henry tried to mirror his movement his eyes flicking from the man's feet to his sword and his face and back again. "Depending on the situation it can be a delay tactic to assess your opponent, find his weak spots-" Hook flicked his sword and hit Henry's near the hilt sending painful vibrations up his wrist. "Decide your plan of attack-" Hook made a feint lunge to the left which Henry fell for leaving his back open for Hook to slide the blunt sword against in a blow that would have been devastating if they'd been fighting for real. "You mustn't forget though it allows your opponent to do the same." He made the lunge again but this time Henry didn't take the bait and continued on his original trajectory his sword landing smartly at Hook's stomach.

"Good," the pirate congratulated him. "But try to keep your wrist straight and blade point up, a blow to the chest is going to debilitate your opponent much faster than the stomach." Henry nodded obediently and tried to control his happiness at the compliment.

"Of course," Hook continued. "The main point of an insult is to distract and upset a person. Keep them reeling, less focused. Threats will often do the same. So Henry, you want to make it a tooth for a tooth or an eye for an eye?" Hook asked his voice dropping to a soft growl as he flicked the point of his blade so close to Henry's face the boy froze still in involuntary fear of being cut.

"You...you won't lay a finger on me," he stammered in reply. Hook raised an eyebrow at him but looked pleased that he hadn't backed down.

"And what do you intend to do to stop me boy? Call your mother? Either of them?" he asked condescendingly.

"Like you'd stand a chance against either," Henry scoffed.

"True enough lad," Hook agreed smiling.

"You've no...er...you can't…" Henry stammered. He'd been about to continue the current topic by bringing up Hook's lack of magic now he wasn't the Dark One, but figured that'd still be too sore a topic. Despite being brought up by Regina he'd not learnt her methods of verbally bullying people and his brain froze up under the conflicting orders to insult his friend like he wanted and not offend the man he looked up to.

"Good insults are like telling a good story," Hook advised breaking through Henry's mental stalemate. "You can't just jump in at the climax and go straight for the jugular. You need to lay the groundwork, get them invested, lull them into a false sense of security and then strike without hesitation."

"That's not how you tell a story," Henry complained.

"Isn't it? My mistake Master Author. I defer to your superior skill and knowledge," Hook said with a bow, his sword swinging innocently away from Henry. The boy eyed the pirate suspiciously and tensed his muscles for the inevitable attack behind this obviously deceptive compliment.

"You're doing it right now aren't you?" he asked.

Hook's teeth gleamed as he grinned devilishly. His sword rose up in a wide arc as he straightened up, exposing his torso and Henry was already primed to respond. He lunged forward quickly, his sword's point flying straight at the pirate's centre, or where his centre had been. Hook spun and Henry hit nothing but thin air, his balance shifting a just hair too far as the Captain's shoulder slammed into his side and sent him sprawling to the ground gazing up in shock at the silver metal of Hook's sword pointed between his eyes.

"Yes," Hook said, answering the now forgotten question. "To be young and believe you know it all," he lamented loudly. "But _Author_ , you are just a spit of a boy and I'm afraid to say, know very little of _anything_. Which is why you will always fail." Hook flicked the sword up preparing to slash back down and finish his lesson. Henry felt a sudden and overcoming wash of hot humiliation as he watched helpless as the metal prepared to strike. But the blow never came, Hook had frozen, his own face morphing from smug victory into horror.

"Bloody Hell Henry lad, I'm sorry." He dropped down to his knees, his sword forgotten next to him in the grass. "I got carried away. I didn't mean to strike you so soundly." Whether he was talking about knocking him down or what he'd said wasn't clear and Henry wasn't sure it mattered anyway. The pirate lifted his hand towards him but the young author hunched himself away and Hook's hand fell back to his side.

"It's fine," Henry said defiantly. Hook looked even more distraught, rocking away and giving him some space.

"It's not," he said firmly. "I apologise. I forget sometimes that you have not been brought up in our world and have not been schooled in such arts for long. I should have held back…. You know I didn't mean-"

"We were just playing," Henry said abruptly, pushing himself to his feet, feeling his cheeks flaming as his shock turned into deep embarrassment. "Thanks for the lesson Hook."

Hook flinched at the dismissal and didn't move to stop him as Henry jogged back into the house and straight up to his room leaving the swords behind.

…

Henry avoided sitting through an awkward dinner by pre-emptively stating he would eat in his room and catch up on his homework. A plan that would have worked fine if he hadn't forgotten his phone and had to go back to the kitchen for it. He crept downstairs praying that his Mom and Hook had gone to eat on the front porch in the evening light. Naturally the gods were not favouring him today. As he reached the top of the stairs he heard his Mom speak.

"Ok what's happened? You two are acting weird," she asked the pirate. Henry leaned as far as he dared around the banister to catch a glimpse of the two adults at the kitchen table.

Hook heaved a sigh and rubbed his face. "Ah it's my fault," he admitted. "Henry asked me to show him some moves."

"Moves?" Emma asked in a mixture of worry and amusement.

"With the sword Love," Hook clarified. "It felt so good, teaching him something, having him look at me like I was someone worth his time and admiration, but I got caught up in the moment and went too far."

"Is he hurt?" she demanded, getting up instantly to check her son.

"No no. I least I don't think so if the speed at which he ran from me is any indication," Hook reassured her. "No, he saw me."

"Huh?" Emma asked sitting back down with a deep frown.

"The pirate," Hook spat. "And not the adventure seeking children's character we've become in this world." Henry watched as Hook turned to face Emma properly and was shocked to see how much frustration and anguish was on his face. "I stood over him, my sword at his throat as I have a hundred others and he _saw_ ," he continued. "He saw the villain. He saw the last thing any of those poor souls saw before I sent them down to Hades. He saw and now he can't look at me."

Henry felt like a hole had opened up behind him, and he was teetering on the edge about to fall. That's what Hook thought had happened? That he was scared of him? That he thought he was evil or something?

"Oh Killian," Emma sighed and draped her arm over him resting their heads together. "I'll talk to him OK?"

"I don't know," Hook said sadly. "Maybe this is better. I was fooling myself that-"

"Stop it," Emma scolded. "We went through this in the underworld _and_ before. You're not that person anymore, you deserve a happy ending. Henry's other mother is _Regina_ if he doesn't get redemption and leaving behind dark pasts no one will. It was probably just a shock, he's not really seen you in a proper fight before."

Now his Mom thought that was the problem too. He should tell them that that wasn't it, that he didn't see Hook as a villain and he was just upset because the pirate's insults had landed a little too close to the real insecurities hidden in his heart.

Henry moved one foot a single step and stopped. He watched as Emma gave Hook a squeeze and a soft smile that the pirate did his best to return, before they leaned in to share a gentle kiss. He felt awkward spying on their tender moment and his embarrassment grew keeping him from descending the stairs.

The problem wasn't Hook's past, it was Henry's. He knew Hook hadn't meant to hurt him like he had. The pirate was perceptive but there's no way he'd known the details of Henry's frustrations with himself when he'd said what he'd said that afternoon. His Moms only knew as much as they did because of their part in his disastrous trip to rid the world of magic. His whole family were heroes and powerful magical beings that literally changed the world around them, but all he'd been was a liability to them.

Now he'd been given these powers as the Author, but what good had he done? What difference had he made? Did he have a role in the story or was he doomed to just observe and record? When he had tried to fix things, stupidly thinking that he out of everyone was the only one who had the answer, his family had to ride in and help correct his mistake and save everyone from the massive error he'd made. They'd forgiven him so easily, brushed it off as young naivety and well meaning innocence and if anything that had made Henry feel even more of a failure.

He was pretty sure his Mom hadn't talked to Killian about the events in New York in any detail and Henry definitely hadn't said anything. The Captain had always made it clear he was available to Henry but the young author had felt slightly uncomfortable, conscious that he was first and foremost his Mom's boyfriend and so had never fully opened up. After everything though, Hook was probably more than that now. His grandparents had accepted him as a definite part of the family. What was stopping Henry?... and more importantly how was he going to fix this?

….

"Hey Grandpa?" Henry asked the next day while the two of them were struggling through his maths homework together after school.

"Yeah?"

"When you sword fight people, you don't talk to them do you?"

"Where has this come from?" David asked leaning back in his chair to study his grandson properly.

"Hook taught me some stuff," Henry said with a shrug trying to downplay it. David's face clouded over.

"What did he teach you?" he demanded.

"Nothing bad, just how to insult someone you're fighting," Henry said.

"Whatever words he told you, you are not to use them around your Grandmother and uncle… or your Moms," David said firmly, grumbling under his breath about irresponsible pirates who thought they were so cool.

"It wasn't anything like that," Henry hurried to explain. "It's just he said it was a good way to distract the guy you're fighting and... it definitely works. I wondered why you don't do it?"

"Oh," David said leaning back thoughtfully. "I guess it's because I'm not very good at it," he chuckled. "I'm always concentrating on the actual fighting. I guess I'm one of those guys who thinks of the perfect come back the day after. Also… well, it's a bit piratical." Henry rolled his eyes and went back to his homework. "I remember it did feel satisfying though," David continued looking to the middle distance. "Getting that last cutting word in right before the final twist of the bla-" He stopped suddenly and shook the dark thoughts from his head, looking guiltily at Henry who was studying him curiously. "From that universe Isaac put us in," he explained.

"It's OK Grandpa," Henry reassured him. "You weren't yourself then."

"Yeah," David agreed uncomfortably. "Although it's kind of ironic Hook wanted to teach you about it."

"Why?" Henry asked. "You just said it's something all pirates do."

"Yes, but he's always going on about his _good form_ and being a gentleman. Throwing around insults to throw off your opponent must be an example of poor form right?" Henry nodded along with his reasoning. "You know if you were going to, you could probably start with that."

"Start?" Henry asked, homework now completely forgotten.

"Yeah, accuse him of being less of the gentleman he says he is. Then, when he's trying to prove you wrong, hit him in another soft spot."

"Soft spot? Hook?"

"Regina and Gold never have any trouble picking on him do they? Especially about the pirate thing."

"He's proud of that," Henry disagreed.

"He was but I think he's less so now he hangs out with us instead of other pirates," David replied. Henry considered his Grandfather's advice, turning over the ideas and not finding any faults with them.

"You know Grandpa? You're actually a bit devious underneath aren't you?" Henry teased.

"What? How dare you impugn my honour! We shall settle this with the sword," David said, thumping the table and then quickly jumping to catch his glass of water before it spilt.

"Sorry, I haven't brought mine with me," Henry said laughing while holding his hands up apologetically.

"Oh ok maybe next time then?"

….

Emma and Henry were sitting watching TV at her house a while later when he noticed her checking the time.

"Something wrong?" he asked her.

"No," she sighed getting up and going into the kitchen. "Not really. Hook's running late is all. He had to go see some of his old crew. He was going to pick up dinner on his way back but he must have got caught up. I'll just see what I can throw together." She opened the fridge and scanned its largely empty shelves. "Carrots go with cheese right?"

Henry pulled an unimpressed face, thinking he'd rather wait for dinner. Hook was bound to turn up soon, the pirate hated being late. He wondered what his crew wanted, a lot of them had left town and Hook didn't hang out with the ones that stayed that much. Must be something piratical from the old world. A fantastic idea slowly blossomed in his mind.

"I'll go get him. He's at the docks?" he said suddenly, jumping to his feet.

"I was joking," Emma said, laughing at the strength of his exclamation. "There's stuff in the freezer."

"No really. I want to go," Henry said earnestly. Emma gave him a funny look.

"Er, OK, sure I guess," she said, checking the window to see if it was starting to get dark outside yet.

"Won't be long," Henry promised through the already closing front door.

….

Hook checked the time on his talking phone's display and frowned. Blast. Now he was running late. You'd have thought disbanding the crew over twenty eight years ago would have saved him from having to mediate these squabbles.

"I have a right to it," Jukes complained. "Captain you know how hard I worked. How much right do they have?"

"As if I didn't work for it too," Smee replied. "We were all there if I remember, you weren't alone Jukes. We should all get our fair share." A chorus of agreement went up among the other few crew members gathered on the Jolly Roger's deck. If it wasn't for the fact everyone was dressed in the clothes of this realm, he'd have thought he was back in Neverland with them arguing over the last rum rations. What they were actually arguing over was a piece of property on the access road to the docks. It seemed they had clubbed together to buy it but now couldn't agree on what business to use it for. How his boys had grown up!

"Mates," Hook commanded halting the discussion. "We have made no progress from where we started, it's getting late and-"

"Captain Hook! My name is Henry Mills. You dishonoured my mother. Prepare to fight."

The sudden interruption made them all jump and the pirates looked up as one to see Henry standing on the ship's railing, his overcoat and scarf flapping in the wind, a sword slung at his waist. The boy looked slightly nervous under their stares before he put on a scowl and did his best to glare back at them all.

"You what?" Hook asked. The Captain's confusion diffused the impact of Henry's entrance a bit but he had committed to his plan now and wasn't turning back.

Yes!" Henry declared keeping up a bombastic voice. "For my mother's honour. Blaggard!"

"Henry," Hook groaned. "This isn't-"

"Don't try to weasel your way out cowardly pirate," Henry shouted, cutting off the man's attempt to be reasonable. "All your talk of _good form_ and yet you stay out past six when you told Mom you'd pick up dinner." Henry drew his sword and thrust it in the direction of Hook's chest. The pirate blinked at it and then up at his face. Henry grinned back at him showing as many teeth as possible. "You sir," he shouted. "Are late!"

Smee actually let out a gasp of laughter, the other pirates chuckling quietly. Hook gave his old Bo'sun an exasperated glare as he shoved him out the way and pulled his sword from his belt. He gave it a lazy twirl as he studied the boy he'd come to care for deeply.

"This is what you want Henry? You are sure?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. Henry nodded and Hook moved stealthily to the side giving the boy space on deck to jump down and face him. Henry landed with a solid thump and puffed out his chest in a show of arrogance.

"Do you want to be buried or cremated?" he asked, swiping his sword through the air in what he hoped was a threatening manner.

"Having you around I'd rather be fumigated," Hook replied cautiously still eyeing Henry's face for any signs that he was regretting his actions, but the boy laughed at his answer good naturedly and dropped into stance.

"En garde, Touché," he yelled.

"That is so cliché," Hook sighed dramatically and lunged forward with a flash of gleaming metal.

Henry immediately raised his sword to block and there was a satisfying clang as the swords hit, however Hook's attack had lacked any strength and Henry barely had to push to shove him away.

"A timid attack Captain," he remarked copying Hook's attitude from the day before. "Scared to fight the new blood, old man?"

"Old man?" Hook replied finally sounding insulted.

"I shan't embarrass you even more by revealing the actual number. Though you lot are so ancient _you_ don't even know how old you are. Is it three hundred, two? You're always changing it. Maybe it isn't any at all?" Henry challenged. Behind them Smee let out an annoyed shout but Hook only scoffed. He swung at the air in front of Henry and the boy mirrored his movements, their swords meeting and bouncing away from each other.

"A soft glancing blow Henry," Hook scolded as their swords met again. "Unworthy of a writer of your supposed calibre. Numbers hardly matter. We know how long we have suffered." Henry made some ineffectual swipes at Hook's upper chest and the Captain made a show of bending out of the way.

"Then you should thank me. I shall be the one to end your suffering," the Author replied smugly.

"Ah, you led me nicely into that one," Hook said shaking his head at himself and Henry felt a quiet thrill of pleasure.

"It's true what they say," he said, his success making him bold. "Captain Hook really has gone soft." Smee made an odd squeaking noise and the other pirates all started muttering, apparently thinking Henry had gone too far. He gave Hook a worried glance but the Captain was still smiling at him.

"See that rope to your left?" Henry turned and saw a thick rope tied to the rail next him. "Pull the tie and hold on tight," Hook advised.

Henry only hesitated long enough to take a deep breath and grabbed the rough hemp in his left hand, swinging his sword at where the rope was looped around the railing. The sword was too blunt to cut it but he jammed the blade in enough to lose the knot and suddenly he was flying.

He heard the rope whizzing through the pulley and a loud thump echoed by complaining crew members behind him but he couldn't focus on that, not when the upper deck was racing towards him. He panicked before he realised he was actually slowing down now whatever it was at the other end of the line had fallen. As he cleared the opposite rail he let go of the rope and managed to land with a wobble without falling onto his face. He looked back triumphantly and saw Hook strolling up to the deck towards him, sword still out.

"That was amazing," Henry exclaimed. Hook laughed. It was deep and relaxed and Henry wondered how he'd never heard it before. The Captain raised an eyebrow, silently asking if he wanted to stop. Henry raised his sword and fell back into stance in answer.

They clashed again and Henry felt a niggle of annoyance at how at ease Hook looked. He took control, leaning into Henry's space and slid their swords together until they were only inches apart, the blades scissoring between them. His eyes met Henry's and his enjoyment was evident in the unvoiced teasing in their bright blue depths, there was a hint of something else too, something cautious and small. If his Grandmother was here she'd probably call it hope.

Henry had started this only wanting to show Hook he wasn't afraid of him but now he suddenly wanted to win. He understood Killian didn't need him to prove anything, but Henry needed to prove something to himself. Logically he knew it was foolish. He had demonstrated just how outclassed he was yesterday. Maybe he couldn't beat Captain Hook at his own game, he'd just have to switch something he was better at.

"I'm really glad my Mom fell in love with you," he said sincerely. Of course the sudden compliment landed much harder than any of the insults he'd used until then and Hook stumbled slightly stepping back an inch to regain his balance but keeping their swords locked. "I wasn't sure at first, but you make her happy, happier than I've ever seen her," he continued his voice growing louder as he pressed his advantage and moved to gain leverage over their swords. "You make me happy too." With that final pronouncement he grabbed the hilt with both hands and twisted, the swords screeching and Hook's blade went flying away to clatter to the floor.

"I want to get to know you better. I want you to know me. I….I want you to be proud of me." Henry declared, breathless from the fight and the emotional punch of his speech. Hook was completely still in front of him, he wasn't even clenching his jaw. Henry swallowed nervously and lifted his sword to point at the silent man. "So do you yield pirate?" Hook continued to stare at him for a long moment his face unreadable.

"Aye, Henry," he said with a small nod, a smile slowly growing across his face. "I yield... and agree...wholeheartedly." There was a slight tremor in his voice and Henry felt a weight lift off his shoulders as he saw the relief and gratitude in Hook's blue eyes.

"Then can we have lasagne for dinner?" he asked. Hook balked.

"Again? We had that just the other day," he pointed out. Henry raised his sword again. "Okay okay, to the winner go the spoils," the pirate relented.

"I did win," Henry said, his amazement growing as his adrenalin wore off.

"Aye," Hook smiled, thumping him on the shoulder "No disputing that, you have witnesses and everything." Henry turned self consciously suddenly remembering that Hook's crew had been watching the whole fight. A group of emotional faces gazed up at him.

"That was beautiful," Smee said, brushing tears from his eyes.

….

"There isn't," Henry disagreed.

"There is, it's just inherent in language, not something that's taught," Hook explained as they sat side by side on the sofa after dinner. "It goes quantity, value, shape, colour, origin. Anything else and you'll sound like a madman."

"I dunno," the boy said unconvinced.

"Then allow me to demonstrate," Hook replied. "You are a useless bulbous filthy son of a bilge rat. See? Nothing wrong with that. Now compare to… You are bulbous useless filthy-"

"Killian!" Emma's voice cut across the room from the kitchen like a slap.

"It was his idea," Henry and Hook exclaimed, their arms crossing as they each pointed at each other.

…..

 **Author's Note:** So the little scene at the end discussing the order of adjectives is what I assume Drowned-dreamer was actually after, she had an idea about Hook over hearing Henry swearing and helpfully adding to his vocabulary but I'm a huge fan of the Monkey Island games and couldn't pass up the opportunity to throw in some insult sword fighting. Did you enjoy reading it as much as I did researching it?

Thank you for reading, what did you think? Please leave me a review and let me know.

Notable insult sword fights used for and inspiring this fic (and to help you should you find yourself in need of an insult to throw):

 _Secret of_ and _Escape from Monkey Island_ :

Secret introduced us to the concept but Escape added rhyming, it's sublime.

" _You fight like a dairy farmer."_

" _How appropriate! You fight like a cow."_

 _..._

" _Every enemy I've met I've annihilated."_

" _With your breath I'm sure they all suffocated."_

...

" _You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee."_

" _I look that much like your fiancée?"_

...

" _En garde! Touché!"_

" _That is so cliché."_

 _..._

" _Would you like to be buried or cremated?"_

" _With you around I'd prefer to be fumigated."_

 _The Princess Bride_ :

Wesley vs Inigo actually flip the cliché by being super complimentary to each other, it's just a great fight to watch.

" _Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."_

...

" _You seem a decent fellow... I hate to kill you."_

" _You seem a decent fellow... I hate to die."_

 _Animalympics_ :

I grew up with this animated movie and although it has become a little racist by modern standards it's still amazing. The fencing portion is tiny but the Contessa is one of my role models to this day.

" _You stupid rodent. No one beats me."_

 _..._

" _You'll never fence again."_

" _You've never fenced before!"_

 _..._

" _Well darling, shall we make it a tooth for a tooth or an eye for an eye?"_

 _Hook vs Blackbeard "The Jolly Roger" 3x17_ :

I get a little thrill every time I watch Hook flip the sword back into his hand by stepping on it.

" _Stand at attention, mates. Now boarding the ship, the rightful captain of the Jolly Roger. Now, if the coward who tried stealing her from me would kindly show his face, I'll give him the punishment he deserves."_

 _..._

" _I was afraid you weren't going to show up. Word on the waterways is that Captain Hook had gone soft."_

" _The only thing soft will be your guts spilling on this deck."_

 _Road to Eldorado_ :

Tulio and Miguel's fake dual at the start of the film is filled with great moments, especially as Kenneth Branagh and Kevin Kline ad libbed a bunch of them.

" _You dare to impugn my honour?"_

...

" _Any last words?"_

" _I will cut you to ribbons."_

" _Fool. Such mediocrity."_

...

" _You fight like my sister."_

" _I've fought your sister that's a compliment"_

" _Blaggard!"_

" _Heathen!"_

 _Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl:_

That first fight between Will and Sparrow sets us up perfectly for the rest of the movie and is a great throwback to all the insult sword fighting in movies that came before it.

" _You need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?"_

" _I practice three hours a day, so when I meet a pirate, I can k_ _ill it."_


End file.
